im feeling hopeless and exhausted all the same

first time writing on this blog in about two months.. i’m in hospital ‘school’ right now. may be transferred to timberline knolls directly after this. i just want to go home and lose weight. im so fat now.

i’m so so so scared. I know I’m going to have a panic attack. I know I’ll end up breaking safety contracts and scratching myself. I had a nightmare last night that I got on renfrew’s scale for the first time and weighed 90% of my IBW. I’m so scared. Waiting for the word on my ambulance transfer.

my best friends would be nicole, stacey, and edie. they are all incredibly strong and resilient individuals who everyday fight for their right to live and not die from such a debilitating disease

thank you nicole, i lovvss yahh! YOU TOO! come back to renfrew pleaseee. I think they’d cover 60 here instead of tk because tk is more expensive to begin with. i beg you nicole, i don’t want to see you die from this heartbreaking illness. you deserve your life back too and even though you don’t know anything outside of your illness, you can forge a new path for yourself, set new goals, and find new coping skills! that’s what treatment is for! love you <3 miss you!

thanks. unfortunately tk isn’t in my insurance network, so it doesn’t cover, so it’s renfrew for me. I’m glad to hear that their program works for you. all the best luck : ) hang in there!

by way of ambulance. yay for discharge! boo for going back

AHHHH I DON’T KNOW WHICH TO CHOOSE!!!!!

things i value in treatment:

1. legitimate educational services
2. specialization in trauma treatment
3. genuinely devoted and caring staff
4. individualized treatment approach
5. ability to have a say in your treatment and be listened to and worked with
6. vegetarian meal options
7. both quality and variety in group therapy
8. beautiful campus
9. supportive environment/community
10. long-term program (i.e. not just 30 days, more like 3+ months)

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE help me decide. i really just want to recover in a positive environment where i don’t have the triggers of not being able to focus on academics, or gaining weight too rapidly with no care from staff, or being cut off by insurance after only a month. which is the better choice?

just get me out of this freaking hospital! i was just almost manipulated into taking a higher dose of respiridone than what was originally prescribed to me and that crap causes weight gain at higher doses! NO WAY JOSE

today was a mess, but it worked out in the end.. I think i’ll be transitioning back to either renfrew or, i may be going to timberline knolls if a number of factors play out in my favor… we shall see

currently drinking a milkshake through my nose… lol

BLAHGGAGSSSAHHHHfdssdsfd i’m so enervated by the lack of sleep i’m getting  in the hospital. It isn’t so much that I can’t sleep, it’s that the nurses always have reasons to wake me (e.g. midnight vitals, or “kirsten, can you not lay on your stomach, your O2 levels are low,” or disconnecting me from the feeding pole, ETC.). Once I am awake, there’s no turning back. I asked the head psych for some sleeping medication and she said she’d give me melatonin… instead, atavan? Really? Sorry for this whiny rant, I’m just super tired and can’t get back to sleep.

Today I’m having an endoscopy, which means I don’t have to eat, or be tube fed a single thing until it happens! I hope they scheduled me in for later this evening. teehee just kidding. This is definitely not how I pictured being on the campus of UPenn… but I really cannot complain; CHOP is the number one children’s hospital in the nation; my room is peaceful, the staff are caring, attentive, and respectful, and I can’t really say that I’m bored during the day. Thus far, I’ve crocheted two hats, a set of slippers, a stuffed cupcake, did a TON of sudoku puzzles, journaled a lot, had many a conversation, and made two bracelets. I’m going to make my nurse a card and a bracelet today because she is absolutely the sweetest/kindest nurse I’ve had in a while and it seems like she genuinely cares about me. I’d say the two major negatives of being here are: being on bedrest and being forced to eat without knowing my weight. Other than these and a few other minor dislikes, this hospital has made an excellent impression on me.

I can’t wait to get back to renfrew. I miss the community so much and yet, haven’t even attended a single group or community meeting. I feel like a ghost in life currently and there are only a couple of people in the community who, so far, really know and care for me (we go way back). I miss Edie. She is the most incredible, supportive, and wise individual of whom I can think. She is resilient as rubber, fun as unpopped bubble wrap, spunky as tie-dye, and is loving as a mother. She’s both my sister and my mother. She is my family. I miss her dearly and know for a fact that if she is gone upon my return, I cannot by any means recover. She is the guiding light for me right now- the only interruption in ed’s mindless talk that thunders through my head. I love her dearly.

I wonder if the nursing staff will actually give a damn about me this time around. They were so negligent, rude, and triggering in regards to my treatment plan and complaints of pain. Consequently, I was having panic attacks in my room and considered calling my mother a few times to leave. I wonder if they still have me on the second floor of the residential building, or if they’re moving me downstairs to a locked bathroom behind the nurses station? I wonder if i’ll be on modified this time seeing as i’m on full bedrest here with all of these silly complications? I wonder if the nurses finally believe that I am legitimately sick and worth their time? I wonder if I’m good enough, important enough now? I wonder if my weight dropped. I wonder if my weight is now at 100% of my IBW *cringe*. I wonder if people will treat me the same with my ng tube? I wonder if I’ll get a new therapist, or get my old therapist (whom I loved) back? I wonder if my nutritionist is bumping up my meal plan, or since i’m technically being readmitted, remain on meal plan A? I wonder if the team has consulted about their plans for my re-arrival yet? Am I sick enough for recovery? Am I finally worth something for the staff to give two shits? I wonder if it’ll be okay? No. No, it has to be… if I want to live.